1. Geoff Smith
2. Emerson Hart
3. Mike Zito
4. Valleum
5. The Alice Project

     Yeah, I'm a cynic. Yeah, I question everything. Sure, I wonder how long that rabbit has been crammed in that hat, and secretly laugh to myself every time that nobody ever makes the magician put that hat full of poop on their head once the rabbit is pulled out.

     That's why when one of the world's greatest purveyors of all things magical, J.K. Rowlings was outed this week as the absolute Muggle that she really is, it just warmed the cockles of me heart.

 
     You know J.K., she's the author of all of the Harry Potter books. He's a wizard, you know. Its all about magic. Yeah, I'll admit that I've never actually read any of the Harry Potter books, but I have been dragged to all of the movies. Look, I'm not going to beat up a book that makes kids read - I mean that's a good thing. Hopefully, someday they'll move on to other great science fiction like J.C. Hutchins or Bradbury, or Orson Scott Card's Enders Game. Oh, Enders Game, published years before Harry Potter, its a story about A young kid growing up in an oppressive family situation suddenly learns that he is one of a special class of children with special abilities, who are to be educated in a remote training facility where student life is dominated by an intense game played by teams flying in midair, at which this kid turns out to be exceptionally talented and a natural leader. He trains other kids in unauthorized extra sessions, which enrages his enemies, who attack him with the intention of killing him; but he is protected by his loyal, brilliant friends and gains strength from the love of some of his family members. He is given special guidance by an older man of legendary accomplishments who previously kept the enemy at bay. He goes on to become the crucial figure in a struggle against an unseen enemy who threatens the whole world. Oh, yeah, the kids are really going to love it when they grow up and read that one....Actually, I have to give credit to Uncle Orson who pointed out the similarity on that one, of course. Of course, you could throw the whole Star Wars mythos into that mix or Sabrina the Teenage Witch for that matter too. Ah Melissa Joan Hart in Maxim magazine. It always does come back to that for me, doesn't it.

    What ticks me off about J.K. is the hypocrisy of her. The official story is that she was suffering from clinical depression and was suicidal while she was writing the initial Harry Potter stories. Sad. She was a single unemployed mother living in a fantasy world and hoping to get her book published. Notwithstanding the fact, that she, as opposed to millions of other potential authors got lucky and got hit by a lightening bolt between her eyes and had fate smile upon her and got her book published, I gotta tell you - I think you can take the nut out of the nutty situation, but you still have an absolute wack job.

    Good ol' Jo is still living in a fantasy world, but now she has something worse than Dementors working for her. She's got something worse than Voldermort working for her. She's got an evil pack of lawyers working for her.

    First, she's suing a little publishing house in Michigan for attempting to publish a 400-page Lexicon which catelogs the Potter universe. Its an extension of a fan website that she herself gave an award to. You know, it goes through the characters and the spells and is as interesting to read to most adults as the backstory on Pokemon. Now that the authors want to publish some pseudo-scholarly material about it, she sends out a Freeze spell to try to stop it. In fact, they took some testimony on this. On the stand, her main complaint is that she believes that she would do a better job doing it herself. Oh please, Jo-Jo. You have got to be kidding me. Go ahead and do it yourself. Once you publish fiction, pretty much anyone is able to do anything they want to do with it as long as they attribute it back to you, which these fine folks have tried to do. Jesus, how many 4th grade book reports does she now have to go after. I dunno what the statute of limiations is on those kind of things, but if I were a 4-th grade teacher its time to start ratting out the students to the publishing company every time one of those Potter book reports come in - why not, teachers don't make enough money and neither you nor I want our taxes raised, so come on teachers - get creative.

    This week, she got a Court ruling allowing her to sue journalists in London because they took a picture of her kid with a telephoto lens and published it. The original court tossed that puppy quicker than you can say Shazam, but now an Appeals Court has said that the children of famous parents have the same right to expect privacy as the children of parents who are not well known. The case stems from a picture that was published in a newspaper of David Rowling being pushed on a buggy on a street when he was a baby, and sets the stage for a trial over damages.
 

    Now, I can't claim to be an expert in British law, and I certainly don't want to get into the poor, horrible state of privacy of our great and public celebrities, but I have no idea what these Judges were thinking. In fact, based on same, I don't give any credence to any British Judge who's last name isn't Cowell. I agree that the children of celebrities have a certain right to privacy. I agree that there is an inherent security concern here, but come on. The kid was probably surrounded by a phalanax of security guards, and was on a public street. You, I, and the rest of the muggles out there have absolutely no right to privacy on a public street. That's actually what its called - public, and if Rowlings didn't want to be in the public eye then I don't know, maybe she needs to travel by broom or something. Hell, the Court's ruling doesn't seem to make any sense, because I have no expectation that if I take my kids to a frickin sheep sheering event at our local dairy farm and some Jimmy Olsen wants to take a picture, then frankly I should be entitled to a free copy of the paper and that's it.

    At the end of the day, where is she really going with this - she's a billionaire already. Damages? What in the world is little David Rowling's measure of damages. Uhm, dude, you looked like a baby in the picture. We all have baby pictures. You're mom is a billionaire. What exactly is J.K. Rowling's 5-year old kid going to do with damages? I'm not saying that celebrity kids aren't entitled to go to Court, but the purpose of the Civil justice system in both the US and Englandia is to make an aggreived party whole. As such, I think you have to award damages in this matter, if its found to be compensable which I've said I already disagree with, in the the terms that would make a reasonable 5-year old feel as if he received justice - that's right - the horrible, evil newspaper, should provide him with a DVD of Dora the Explorer and a Juice Box.
    

    Jeez, do you think that the newspapers are really going to learn a lesson about this. Hell, by suing little book manufacturers or little newspapers Rowling's actually giving them more free advertising than she ever intended to do. Frankly, here's my two cents on it. We have, by her own admission, a bit of a nut job who somehow gets lucky in writing these books and all of a sudden her life has meaning and credibility beyond her wildest fantasies. You remember all of the talk about whether Harry Potter would get killed in the last book. I don't want to ruin it for anyone, but uhm, there was no way in the universe that he was gonna die because there would be absolutely no possibility of another book, which is 100% going to happen as soon as J.K. Rowlings realizes that she can't write her way out of a paper bag on any other subject. Oh yeah, Soylent Green is people. Kaizer Souze is Kevin Spacy, Bruce Willis is actually dead, and the Cloverfield monster looks like Dick Cheney's wife. Any other endings you want me to hit. jerseytoddshow@gmail.com

     In the end, J.K. Rowling was once accused of making the Harry Potter books to support witchcraft. I think that's ridiculous, of course. Its always a great thing when kids read. But now that she's shot her literary load, and is floundering around looking for some sort of purpose in life, perhaps its best she send the lawyers back to the hell from wence they came.

    Being accused of witchcraft is one thing, but bitchcraft...that's another story.

This weekend, I purchased an Imac. Wow. Wow. Wow. I have had computers since I was a child, the first being a TRS-80 Color Computer that was 16k. I have resisted the Apple temptation until now, and I now realize what a dope I've been. From the purchasing experience, to service tech. calls., to the rocking machine itself - I am an absolute convert. At 36-years old, I finally realized that I don't need a computer that does a billion things - I just need one that works consistently. So far, so good.

That being said, I am still in the process of hooking the podcast rig up, and of course there have been some complications. I am also strongly considering producing the show in Garageband, and am concerned that the show might lose the "live" feel that we've come to know and love. We shall see - but its certainly exciting.

Watch this space for additional updates as they become available, and if you have the time and want to use it charitably, I'm always available on Gmail and Twitter, and have loads of questions to pick your brain with.

Featuring Geoff Smith

Download the show here

1. The Ike Reilly Assasination
2. The Bangkok Five
3. The Animate Objects
4. The Dan Sheehan Conspiracy
5. Mark Rudd
6. Mobile

Featuring Howitzer

Go visit: Digital Flotsam and the Electrical Language Podcast

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       Want a little gossip? Want a little rumor, some innuendo? I'm gonna tell you a little secret. On June 29, 2007, the straightest governor in New Jersey history, Jon Corzine appointed. Anne Milgram as the Attorney General. Oh she is such a babe, shes a good lawyer, and well, for purposes of her tapping my phone lines and otherwise investigating this podcast - she's got a tremendous sense of humor.

    But she is the head of Jersey Todd's favorite former employer, the New Jersey Division of Law and Public Safety and they have found an issue that affects the lives of all New Jerseyians, so much, so much, that even if it means involving precious State resources and legal brain power, even if it means making a New Jersey a national laughing stock, we're gonna go for it. Because its not about flawed voting machines, or tax reform, or education reform, or even, crime. No, the first Attorney General of the State of New Jersey that is actually younger than yours truly has sent her minions to attack the one thing that no lawyer has ever done really all that well dealing with....gossip.

     Did this one hit you at rumour city, did you catch this on the grapevine, did you catch the scuttlebutt? The nation's most smokin' Attorney General Anne Milgram, has sent some subpoenas out to the folks at Juicycampus.com, and some of their advertisers. And let me just say, in my best Colbert impersonation, that extra "E" on the end of Anne's name - that stands for "Excellent". Juicy Campus is a website that allows for visitors to post anonymous comments about people at colleges. You can post who's the biggest campus slut, and who's the dumbest professor, and you can do it all anonymously. I know these kids in college today all have it so easy. When I was at Syracuse in the nineties, we all knew that the campus slut was some girl named "Bullet-head" which was really odd because I never even knew her real name, I just heard some wacked out story about her at some fraternity party which involved some football players and small animals. Of course, I didn't hear the story until like May of my Senior year, and I have no idea why her nickname was "Bullethead", and even in my over-exposed to bad pornography brain, I still don't get the joke. However, you college kids with your fancy technology got us old men beat in the important information department. I dunno, when I was in school, all you had to do was ask someone. Its all a bit juvenille.

     Except when its not so juvenile. My secret crush, Anne, got involved with juicy-campus.com when a Princeton's University student's private information got posted on their website. This is not good. When the kid tried to get it off their site, their was no mechanism for them to do so. Now Juicy-campus tell their advertisers that they ban offensive material, but, uhm not really. It's kind of like putting out a suggestion box without actually having that little slot in the box to actually put the suggestions in. The problem is that many of the postings on juicy-campus are so malicious that students are afraid they will affect their real lives as Google continues to serve up search results to future employers and family members. Many students have complained that Juicy-Campus refuses to remove false statements about them, and the site isn't exactly gaining points among student organizations, school administrations, and lawmakers in general.  

     The AG's office sent out a flurry of subpoena to juicy-campus and their advertisers under the New Jersey Consumer Fraud Act asking questions about the site, asking about how they get their ad revenue and how the jammy-jam is thrown together. The NJ Consumer Fraud Act deals with information in terms of a commercial transaction. If you had a highlighter, I'd ask you to take it and put a big yellow line through your screen and highlight that sentence - its going to be important later.

     Juicy-campus, through their public relations folks, raised holy hell in a press release this week stating that they've broken no laws, and that they are immune from civil liability due to the actions of their users. They've called the investigation "absurd" Yeah yeah, we're impressed tough guys. Maybe Juicy-campus shouldn't retain the public relations firm that is located in the mall somewhere next to Orange Julius and H.R. Block. These guys are doing more harm than good. 
 

"'Juicy-Campus has not violated any laws. Juicy-Campus is immune under federal law for liability arising from statements made by others. The Attorney General of New Jersey , who apparently is not a fan of the Site, know this and are instead taking the position that by asking our users not to post content that is unlawful, abusive or defamatory, among other things, we are somehow required to remove posts that may fall into those categories. They contend that by failing to do so, we have defrauded our users.' (emphasis added)'"

     They are like, so, not getting it. This is absolutely 100% not a First Amendment issue. Apparently, Juicy-campus was so hopped up on diet coke and chocolate bars just waiting for someone to go after them on a First Amendment issue - like whether they can be held liable in a civil court if someone actually got hurt as a result of something posted on their site, not that they actually should care about that, that like Jo-bu from "Major League" they couldn't hit the curve ball that was thrown at them.

     This is a really developing and interesting area of the law and frankly juicy-campus shouldn't be so smug. Under Section 230 of the Communications Decency Act, "No provider or user of an interactive computer service shall be treated as the publisher or speaker of any information provided by another information content provider." Ok, that's fine, and a case that came out of Texas, in 2007, called Doe v. My-space actually held My-space immune from liability for failing to institute safety measures to prevent sexual assaults of minors and failure to institute policies relating to age verification. It didn't mean that My-space didn't get off their ass and make some major changes to their site in terms of age verification and monitoring their comments, and maybe that was done for the legal end, but it was also done to satisfy those funky market forces, like their advertisers that don't want to besmirch their otherwise pristine reputations.  In fact, companies like Google and Adbrite have refused to take Juicycampus' money.

    Doe v. My-space is only a decision from a District Court in Texas, and I wouldn't doubt for one second that the victim in that case, a 14-year old girl who was sexually assaulted after meeting someone on my-space isn't moving that case forward through the Court system, and I'm sure that some grandstanding legislator won't be using this story at some point to revise the rules of the CDA. Stay tuned kids, the law is going to change on this one right before our eyes, and its going to affect everyone on the net, and in the spirit of the March Madness season let me do my best Dick Vitale and make a prediction. The Supreme Court baybee, they're gonna be cleaning the Boards on this one. John Roberts, he's a diaper dandy. They're gonna take the CDA downtown. That Ruth Bader Ginsburg, RBG, is gonna throw the alley oop, and the Supreme Court is someday going to say that places like myspace or facebook or juicy campus is going to have to at the very least monitor their own sites for bad behavior.

     In the end, let me whisper something in the ear of those kids at Juicy-campus. This is not a First Amendment issue. As of today, the CDA says that Anne M. can't go after them over content. Even though these Juicy-campus.com permits and, in my humble opinion, encourages its users to post some awfully racist and sexist stuff and provides them absolute anonymity to do so. No, the AG can't send a few flying monkeys from her lair to check into that. So, she's investigating the relationships between Juicy-campus and their advertisers, and whether JC accurately told their advertisers how the site worked when they gave in some money to advertise on the site. Already, one advertiser has pulled their ads from the site, and if there is any other material misrepresentation going on here where money is exchanged Juicy-campus may have a lot of explaining to do, and perhaps Juicy-campus should lose its flippant attitude. Trust me, its Ms. Milgram if your nasty, and this is nasty. This is the Web 2.0 equivalent of going after Al Capone over tax evasion rather than his substantive crimes, and as we say in Joisey - you mess with the bull, you get the horns.  

oh....and how 'bout this:

Frankly, with all due respect to Mr. Klein, did you make a "Memoirs of an Invisible Man" reference?

I think not.

1. Justin Hopkins and the Guilt
2. Ray Tarantino
3. Kongos
4. Glen Philips
5. Jerzy Jung

Featuring Colie Brice

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       Back when I was in law school, I played in a Law School Street hockey league. 5 on 5, on a tennis Court, knocking an orange ball around while miserably trying to stay upright on inline skates. I gotta admit, like many of my athletic adventures, I was miserable. Don't get me wrong, I had great eye hand coordination, played great defense, and actually scored a ton of goals. The problem was that I didn't have great eye, hand, feet coordination, and most of my stopping came courtesy of the tennis court fence. But hey, in a league filled with future lawyers, this was a skill level a tad beyond embarassing. By the way, and I know someone is going to ask, yes, having any kind of sports league with future tort lawyers is a pain in the ass. Some hockey leagues hold a draft - we had a three hour conference call going over the rules, and drafting the league's charter. Even geeks have to have their fun.

      I even have a pretty scar over my eye from the time that one of the other players tried to help me stop rolling by treating my face like a shish kabob with his stick. I'm sure he didn't mean to wack me - hell - he was trying to stay on his feet, too. But I ended up with a nice 8-stitch gash over my eye, and I think he's senior counsel at an insurance defense firm now. Funny how things turn out.

      So that being said, I am always fascinated when the law, the internet, and the wide, wide world of sports collide like a cross check from Jeff Beukeboom. This past week, the Rangers, who have one the Stanley Cup only 4 times out of 83 years (which comes out to a success rate of 4.18 for you math geeks out there), once again got the ol' slap shot through the five hole. Uhm I'm sorry, pushed too hard on the hyperbole button.  

     But,  back in the fall, MSG, the company that owns the Rangers filed a lawsuit in Federal Court because the National Hockey League promised to fine it a grand a day if it didn't give the league complete control of its website. Apparently, the league wanted to convert it into one of those cookie cutter websites that makes every team in the league look exactly the same. You've seen it pretty much accross the board from major league baseball to the NBA to the NFL. All of these websites look like they were pooped out by the exact same programmer.

     The Rangers attorneys, wearing their home whites, claim that the NHL was seeking to control the competitive activities of independent businesses in ways that are not necessary to the functioning of that legitimate joint venture. In fact, they claimn that the NHL has become an "illegal cartel,â Yeah, comparing your league to Columbian drug lords is probably not going to go over well at the next Christmas party, but considering that the Rangers hired the law firm of Hansen and Hansen, better known as the Hansen brothers, you should expect that their first move would speak of legal goonistry.

     Jeez, I love the image of the Rangers' lawyers. From the University of Saskatoon School of Law, leading the league in depositions, he's your lead counsel, Number 66! Hell, most lawyers track their time in billable hours, the Rangers' lawyers bills say .5 periods for trial preparation. Hell, do you think anybody wants to go to a binding arbitration with a lawyer from the Rangers? You'd end up with your dress shirt pulled up over your head while some dude tries to grab your tie and box your ears in. Geez, I wonder if we can get Tie Domi to take some night classes.

     The lawsuit went onto say, that the poor downtrodden Rangers use the web site for a competitive advantage against other teams to generate and maintain fan interest. However, in November, the District Court ruled against their attempt to get a preliminary injunction, and this week the Second Circuit Court of Appeals again denied their attempt to stop the NHL from taking over their website, or fining them $100,000 a day, which in fact, is the cost of a skybox at Madison Square Garden.

     The Court said that MSG and the Rangers âdid not show that the NHLâs website ban has had an actual adverse effect on competition in the relevant market. Nor did MSG demonstrate that the many procompetitive benefits of the NHLâs restrictions could be achieved through an alternative means that is less restrictive of competition.â

     Like I do, time and time again, let me turn the circular legalese back into English, however, in this particular case, let me turn what the Court said into language that an average Ranger fan could understand. "Yo, you fn moron, getouttahere with that lame bs. Fuggetaboutit."

     In all seriousness, I see the Rangers point. They are a business, and they are in a competitive market with two other hockey teams, two baseball teams, two football teams, a Basketball team, and a team with about as much talent than your average 8th grade basketball team, the New York Knicks. Actually, I think the way that the Knicks have played this year, an average 8th grade basketball team could possibly beat them if you hyped them up with the promise of pizza and ice cream after the game, but I digress.

     The Rangers have to be concerned that their fans are being pulled in so many directions for their entertainment dollar. But come on, they're being a bunch of silly nillies. I know you don't like when I use that language. But do you think for one second that a fan of the Devils or the Islanders is going to say, hmph, I've been a fan of my team for twenty-years but I'm going to switch allegiences because the Blueshirts have a flash player on their site. Come on. 2-minutes in the penalty box for stupidity.

     The product in this case is the sport of hockey - not the individual team. The NHL has the ability, as an agreed upon joint venture of all the teams, to do things on behalf of the whole league - like negotiate TV deals, or to decide what the uniforms are going to look like. When one individual team argues that they should have the ability to go their own way, then the whole thing might as well go back to a Canadian barnstorming league. The Rangers are acting like spoiled little kids who just want to take their sticks and go home when they don't get what they want, and frankly, what they want isn't going to amount to a hill of beans in the long run.

     Its hockey; which over the course of my lifetime has lost more juice than the Buffalo Bills Hall of Fame. Ok, that was a convuluted sports reference that only about two of you are going to find remotely amusing. Let me clarify. Its hockey; which over the course of my lifetime has pretty much held the same orbit as Michael Jackson's singing career. I'm sorry, when I was a kid, professional hockey held a certain grip over me for the few months inbetween football and baseball season. But now, when an individual ticket costs about as much as a Broadway play, when there are more teams south of the mason-dixon line than there are above the snow line, I'm sorry, the Rangers competition isn't from the Devils or the Yankees or the Knicks, their competition has degraded to UFC, Professional Lacrosse, and Tractor Pulls.

     I don't even like the Rangers. I've always been partial to a certain team from Broad Street in Philadelphia, but over the past two years they've slipped from my consciousness like the name of Appollo Creed's trainer that ended up training Rocky Balboa in Rocky IV. Jeez, what was his name....the bald guy...Duke....played by the great Tony Burton...thought you'd stump me there, didn't ya? The only guy other than Sly and Burt Young to be in all 6 Rocky movies. There's your trivia of the day, no need to thank me.

     Hockey has always been the fourth most watched sport in the US, but standing at that spot has more zombies clawing at hockey's ankles than a George Romero Night of the Living Dead film. And rather than biting the waffle glove that feeds it, the Rangers should be spending more time actually putting a team on the ice that wins games and gets me excited. Here's a quote to anyone trying to get their feet wet in new media, whether you're a podcasting company or a hockey team, "Here we are now, entertain us." Hey that would make a great song lyric. But my point is, I don't care whether your website has more bells and whistles than Dr. Emmett Brown's train in Back to the Future III, if your product sucks, I'm taking my eyeballs and earbuds elsewhere.

    In fact, if I were the Judge in this matter, I would just have reviewed the Rangers' lawyers' filings and told them, to "shut the puck up."     

  ....yup, and with an ending like that, I can only assume that you'll be taking your eyeballs and earbuds elsewhere, too.

"Dozens of Easter Bunny surrogates were rescued just in time:

Dozens of rabbits were removed from a house in Atlantic County after they were found living in conditions officials called deplorable.

The rabbits were being bred and sold by an elderly Egg Harbor Township man who apparently became overwhelmed with the responsibilities of caring for so many animals, officials said.

The Atlantic County Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals removed 57 rabbits from the home today, but the man did not receive any summonses."

 

What are conditions deplorable to a rabbit? Day-old carrots? Soggy wood chips? Despite their incredible cuddly facade, these are animals that live in dark underground holes filled who-knows-what.  I know Bugs Bunny. Bugs Bunny is a friend of mine. Let me be 100% honest, I've never seen Bugs Bunny with a vaccum cleaner. Frankly, I very rarely see Bugs Bunny wear pants, and that's a different problem altogether.

How did this get reported to officials? Is there a hotline for this kind of thing, or did Thumper just stamp out a message with his big foot? Frankly, I think the rabbits could have just gotten out of there by telling the man that it's not rabbit season, but duck season.

How did this gentleman lose control over his inventory? He bought two rabbits yesterday, and overnight there were fifty-seven. It didn't help that he was accidentally mixing his Viagra into the rabbit food.

Finally, shame on the newspaper for not following up on the story, and not interviewing the poor defenseless rabbits. When reached for comment, Fluffy could only tearfully state, "Hey man, I was just happy to get out of there with my left foot."

1. Ike Reilly and the Assassination
2. Jackopierce
3. Guitar Jack
4. Sudden Death
5. Beth Hirsch

Featuring: the Spark Effect and Jack Wakes Up,  and the UC Radio Podshow.

Go to Accuquote.com

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       We here at the Jersey Toddshow love to take requests. Today, on Twitter I received the following instant message from the absolutely wonderful Shakespearecast.com. If you haven't checked them out yet, I highly recommend that you do. However, the message shocked, shocked me. 

       I'll read it to you, "If you do a rant for the show on Spitzer and don't include the term "Swallowzer" I'll be very disappointed."

      Far be it for me to disappoint even one of the thousands and thousands of listeners of the JTS. But I am concerned, the saga of former Governor Eliot Spitzer has been picked over more times than the garbage outside of Britney's casa. No, Jay, Conan, and Dave, and whatever his name is on ABC have done a fine job of throwing dirt on America's favorite john. No, I come here tonight not to bury Eliot Spitzer, I come here tonight to take another swing at my favorite lost uncle, Alan Dershowitz.

     Like Eminem in 8-Mile, I will concede that Alan Dershowitz is a far superior lawyer than I am. I will concede that he is far smarter than I am. I will grant that as a Harvard Law Professor, that 99.9% of his students have been more academic than I is, I mean am. I wouldn't even gtaduate from the Harvard Law bus tour. Trust me kids, though I seem pretty bright here, trust me, Alan Dershowitz would treat me like Ali treated that heavy bag in the D-Con Roach Proof, though I doubt that he would say "I don' want you livin' wit' no roaches!"   

     But Professor Dershowitz, I do have one thing that you don't have - its not good looks, nor a keen sense of style, though I certainly have you beat on those accounts, I have a big, hard microphone, and well, for at least the time being I have the attention of one or two people.

     My problem right now is an article that Professor Dershowitz wrote in the Wall Street Journal entitled, the "Entrapment of Elliot". If you didn't know, Elliot Spitzer was a student at Harvard Law and actually worked with Professor Dershowitz and was a student in his class, so I don't doubt his affection for his former student or his motives in trying to defend him. No what I have a problem with is his hypocrisy. In the article, Professor Dershowitz argues that

 âThe federal criminal investigation that has led to Eliot Spitzerâs resignation as governor of New York illustrates the great dangers all Americans face from vague and open-ended sex and money-transaction statutes; Congress enacted these laws to give federal prosecutors wide discretion in deciding which âbad guysâ to go after.â

    Generally, says Dershowitz, âwise and intelligent prosecutorsâ use proper discretion in pursuing the real bad guys, such as mobsters, terrorists and exploiters of children. But, he claims, âselectively enforced statutes . . . lie around like loaded guns waiting to be used against the enemies of politically motivated investigators, prosecutors and politicians.â

    Dershowitzâs proposal is that over-broad criminal statutes should be narrowed so that they can be used only to prosecute predatory crimes with real victims, not to facilitate politically-motivated prosecutions like Spitzerâs. In Dershowitzâs words: âMoney laundering, structuring and related financial crimes are designed to ferret out organized crime, drug dealing, terrorism and large-scale financial manipulation. They were not enacted to give the federal government the power to inquire into the sexual or financial activities of men who move money in order to hide payments to prostitutes.â

     Woah, woah, woah, wait a cotton-pickin' second here, Professor. Let's not mince words. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Eliot Spitzer made his career, following your teaching and guidance frankly, by the selective prosecution of criminals, and that prosecution led to a political career. Most prosecutions are political. Most prosecutors are indeed political appointments, and most decisions of who to prosecute and why start off as a political decision.

     At the end of the day, the bad-guys didn't get to yell "no fair" and ask for a do-over. Do you think the Gambino crime family had a problem when, in 1992, Spitzer while working for DA Robert Morgenthau set up his own sweat-shop and hired 30-laborers just so he could plant a bug to get evidence about crimes in the garment industry? Was that not a political prosecution? Do you thing that Dick Grasso, former chairman of the New York Stock Exchange, had a beef when he was prosecuted for the crime of Excessive Compensation as head of a non-profit Board? Did Dick Grasso support Spitzer poltically, no? Did you know that a Newsweek reporter was physically threatened by one of Spitzer's staff when reported on the investigation? Doesn't look good for the guvnor run.  Did you know Spitzer told the State Police to file reports on political rival Joe Bruno's whereabouts in orer to dig something up on him? If that ain't a political use of the law, then I don't know what is.

    Now I will concede to Professor Dershowitz that since the advent of 9/11, Federal criminal statutes have become more and more vague. I don't necessarily think this is a horrible thing if I've done nothing wrong. But here we have an elected official of one of the biggest States in the country conspiring with criminals. Its not about the sex, though that sells papers.

    I mean even here in the great Garden State, our sex crazed wacky Governor - McSteamy, I mean McHottie, I mean, McGreevey. It was never about the sex. It had nothing to do whether he was gay or straight. It had everything to do with appointing people into positions just because they were willing to uhm assume the position, even though they had no qualifications to do so, and that put the health and safety of New Jerseians at risk. The sex....nah, that was just something to sell papers.

    In fact Spitzer and McGreevey are quite the pair. In fact, I think it would make a great tv show.

On November thirteenth Felix McGreevey was asked to remove himself from his place of residence. That request came from his wife. Deep down he knew she was right. But he also knew that someday he would return to her. With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his childhood friend, Oscar Spitzer. Sometime earlier, Spitzer's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he never return. Can two former Governors share an apartment without driving each other crazy? 

    Its about a guy, with an obvious problem either personally or in his marriage, that led him to deal with a major criminal operation. Sure, utilizing the services of a professional sex worker is only a 4th degree offense in the State of New York, and Elliot Spitzer really didn't commit a major crime. Hey, he hasn't even been charged with anything. But lets look at the degree here, this isn't Spitzer buying a dime bag from some dude at the Knickerbocker Arena in Albany - he spent a couple of grand on this. This is like a high-end coke habit. And what would have happened if he refused to pay his bill? You think the pimps at the escort service would have just let him fly because he's got a "I control the jails" so it should be free card? Of course not. More importantly, what would have happened if some of those nefarious elements started acting like the lobbyists, who of course are other forms of whores, and started pushing Spitzer to promote some of their causes or they'd spill his secrets.

     No, Spitzer was compromised, and the Federal prosecutors in this matter did nothing but hasten the inevitable. Did Dershowitz even read the legal documents? I did. Spitzer was only Client-9. For the life of me, I'm dying to know who Client-8 and Client-10 were, or how high up this list goes. Now, I'd love to make the joke the people of the State of New York should at least be proud that Spitzer was in the top ten. I mean I saw that video on the net of Gene Simmons and his prostitute, and I gotta think that Spitzer has to be somewhat more coordinated than that fossil. So Number-9 isn't so bad, right? I mean you're in the top ten. Sure better than the Knicks. As an aside here, between Gene Simmons and Eliot Spitzer, whaaat's the deal with these nearing the end of middle age Jewish guys being complete sex freaks lately. Jesus, is that what I have to look forward to? Just shoot me now.

      In the article, Professor Dershowitz closes with the story of Lavrenti Beria, the head of Joseph Stalin's KGB, who once quipped to his boss, "show me the man and I will find the crime." The Soviet Union was notorious for having accordion-like criminal laws that could be adjusted to fit almost any dissident target. The U.S. is a far cry from the Soviet Union, and claims that our laws are dangerously overbroad.

     Well, we here at the Jersey Toddshow never heard of Beria prior to your article, and will only respond with a quote from another New York City resident, noted goldfish keeper, Mr. Arnold Drummond, and I paraphrase, "Whatchu talking about, Dershowitz?" Spitzer didn't resign because he committed a crime. He resigned because he was a fraud, and even a truckload of Viagra wouldn't have gotten his political schwantz back up, and to compare the incidental discovery of Spitzer to Mother Russia in the good old days is a hasty generalization, and alarmist.

     Ask Joe Bruno, Dick Grasso, and Joe Bruno, or a thousand guys in jail, Professor Dershowitz, but nobody who ever gets caught by the police doing something that they know is not right think the law is fair.

     And to my friends at the Shakespeare cast, I say this:

There once was a Governor of New York/who liked to find hookers to pork.

He thought he'd never get caught/Or have to atone for any of the ahem he uhm bought.

A prosecutor with dubious tactics, hell how many times did he tie the noose? / But Dershowitz screams and says whats good for the gander isn't good for the goose?

Sorry, Professor, but Spitzer's a bad dog, a real Schnauzer / and cheap, he was once overheard saying for five bucks, I don't care if she spits or swallowser

   Wow, Spitzer or Swallows-her. I'm sorry Shakespeare-cast, but that was really, really rough. I haven't been challenged like that since 5th grade when we were making fun of Martha Lipschitz. How did that go again? If her lipschitz, my butt talks....

This podcast is about the independent artists and their music... and it always will be.

If you were on the fence at all, this video seals it. Its McCain v. Obama now, because, do you really want to vote the same way as these losers?

Say it ain't so, Taylor Hicks wannabe.

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      I am a fan of rumors and innuendo, and I heard a big one the other day in Court, that way back on that cold day back in 1993, when William Jefferson Clinton took the oath of office, there was a delay in the start. And sure, there about a million things that have to happen prior to swearing in a President, but the rumor that I heard takes your breath away - that Vice-President Elect Al Gore, Jr., and First Lady Elect Hillary Rodham Clinton were arguing about which office to take, and ultimately it took the pre-blue dress Bill Clinton to negotiate a truce between them. Now, I don't know if this is true, and you certainly shouldn't believe everything that you read or hear on the old internets, but I think there may be an element of truth to this one.

      Lets face it, Al was always the second man in Bill's life. Sure, as a Senator from Tennessee with a great political pedigree, he brought the Southern delegates to the Clinton/Gore ticket, but once that was decided they basically made him disappear like he was Chevy Chase in "Memoirs of an Invisible Man." He was so marginalized as Vice President that he could have been the spokesperson for Parkay. It was pretty obvious that for eight-years, the cooking staff had more decision making ability than he did. I truly believe that Al is a funny, engaging guy - a bit weird and nerdy, but you want to know why he came off so cold and distant when running for President - its because Hilary froze his balls off for 8-years. By the way, what other podcast is going to make a "Memoirs of an Invisible Man" reference? Come on, next you'll be expecting me to refer to "The Man with out a Face" and damn it, I remind you that the Mel Gibson Reference Ban is still in force and effect on this podcast, so you can take your Martin Riggs and shove it.

      But I digress.

      The point I'm making is that I don't believe that the Ice King has any affection for the World's Coldest Female Poltician. Jeez, between the two of them they'd neutalize El Nino, for sure. But that being said, I'd rather park my Honda at the corner of Nerdy Road and Inarticulate Avenue, than at the cross streets of Monster Hwy. and Bitch Street.

     The difference is, I believe Al Gore. I believe that he has a deep seated love for the environment. Frankly, I believe that big business and/or industry is hurting the environment. I respect his opinions, although I'd rather read the highlights, than go through a two hour discussion of a social security "lock box", over and over again. Had he run for office, after winning a Nobel Peace Prize, I believe he would have won, and frankly, I think he would have been the most qualified person for the Oval Office. Hell, he was Aaron Rodgers to Bill Clinton's Brett Farve, and those 8-years of carrying Bill's clipboard would have made him a great President. Its not like he ever lost an election for the Presidency.

      So that being said, its time Al. Its time to unfreeze thy self. You told me that you wanted to lead my party. You told me that you wanted to lead my country. The time, Al. Its time that you stepped into that role of the unbiased dean of the Democratic Party, the once and perhaps future king, the voice of reason in a sea of calamity. Its time Al for you to choose a candidate, and give your blessing.

     I'm not telling you who to endorse, but lets look at the facts. There is now approximately 7-weeks until the next primary. Neither Obama or Hilary have proven to be able to land a knock-out punch. Its funny, I think in a lot of ways, we have a classic Muhammed Ali versus George Foreman. The boxer versus the power puncher. Of course, George Foreman looks a lot prettier in a dress than Hillary, but that's besides the point. Obama is pretty, so pretty, and he's quick - he's so fast that he turns off the light he's in bed before the room goes dark. Float like a butterfly, sting like O-B. Hilary just kind of grunts and throws her arms all over the place, but when she lands her right hook its lethal. I would like to see Hilary shave her head and sell grills in twenty-years, because I'm just wacked like that, but again, I digress.

      Hilary and Barack, lets be real honest, are not entirely too different in political philosophy. This isn't like the Democrats are choosing between two polar opposites, in fact, they really do compliment eachother more times than not.

      But it is seven-weeks until the next primary. John McCain has a time share in Aruba for the next month. John McCain, dare I say it, is going to arrive at the Republican convention, actually looking youthful. John Mcain just has to sit on the sidelines and wait for Obama and Hilary to tire eachother out. Think about it: Isn't this just the political equivalent of the "Rope-a-Dope"? But in this case, McCain is the beneficiary?

     No, Al, its time. You want to do it for selfish reasons, sure. First, you'd be an absolute king or queen maker. Think about it - by endorsing Hilary at this point in the game, you'd be doing something for your former boss' wife, that he himself could not accomplish on his own. You want to talk about debt? You want to talk about gratitude? My lord Al, Bill would set you up with girls until your a zillion years old, and the good ones this time, not like the old days when you had to get Bill's sloppy seconds. Jeez, could you imagine the sloppy second to Monica Lewinsky? Yeesh...

     But somehow Al, I don't think in your heart of hearts, you'd endorse Hillary. Too much water under the bridge, too many stolen spotlights, and hard stares at eachother. Too much clawing away at page space in a shared history. No, if I were a gambling man, which I am, I'd bet a dollar that Gore would support Barack Obama. You both opposed the Iraq war. Barry has been talking about climate change. In fact, Al, between you me and the listeners, I wouldn't be horrified at a Obama Gore ticket - you sure could fill that Leo McGarrity role, and give the ticket some much needed gravitas in a general election. Now I know the chances of you running for president right now are as likely as Britney Spears being asked to take the MENSA test, but we all can dream.

      Oh, and I don't think a Gore endorsement of Obama really hurts him if Hilary pulls off some sort of miracle on ice and somehow wins the nomination, because I want to be very clear, I truly believe that there is no place for Al Gore within Hilary Clinton's administration.

      So, in the end Al, think of the environment - how many trees have to be cut down to make a Obama or Hilary sign? What is the carbon presence of these two campaigns and their staff running around campaigning for no good purpose.   

     Al Gore, its time for you to save the environment, its time for you to save the party, its time for you really to come forward and save the nation.

      ....and do it quick, because I'm terrified that McCain is going to have so much free time over the next couple of months that he's going to show up on Dancing with the Stars.

The sadder thing is, Hilary is indeed a Monster. Not like there's anything wrong with that.

And Samatha Power is no prize either....

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         I like coffee. No let me restate that: I Love Coffee. If I were writing an SAT question, it would be Popeye is to spinach as Jersey Todd is to coffee. I might not know as much about computers or podcasting or other stuff that you're going to hear on other shows, but damn it, I know my coffee. Right now, I'm running a 10-cup Capuano maker with some Trader Joe's Dark Volcano with some soy chocolate and splenda. Yeah baby, take your tricked out PC or Mac and shove it, because at the end of the day, if you want to get my motor running, give me an IV of the the black stuff and let me just main line the beans.

     Sure, I use splenda. Hey, do you know how many lab rats they had to kill to get that stuff right? C'mon, its better living through chemistry, and frankly, I don't exactly clean my coffee mug as well as I should so I need some bleach based artificial sweetener to keep me, and my mug, clean - both inside and out.

     I drink a lot of coffee. The good stuff. Not instant. Not chemical created monstrosities. No, thank you. I want real coffee. Something that takes a couple of minutes to brew; something that tastes like its been scraped off of a log in Guatemala and carried by the ass of donkey up a rainy hill right to a waiting plane to be crushed into a small fine powder and brewed with water straight from a Hobbit Shire. 'Cause damnit, if I gotta change the diapers of my clients, and make sure the babies cases move along - then damn it - I want the high end stuff. I drink enough coffee to make Michael J. Fox on a tilt-a-whirl look stable. I drink coffee like I was one of Andrea Yates' kids in the backseat of that car. 

     But no, I do not like the Senseo. I will not drink it in a hurry, and I will not drink it with a boss named Curry. I do not like Senseo, my man. I will not drink it, Jersey Todd, I am.

     Look. Let's be blunt. Screw all of the awe and wonder about the Senseo machine or whatever pod coffee you're using. Its a tea bag filled with coffee. There's not a ton of ingenuity here, and when push comes to shove, its god awful, stale tasting, low end flavorless coffee strained through the bad end of a female hygene device.

     Oh, and do not, do not get me started on that paint thinner known as coffee mate. You know what coffee mate is? Its crap you pour in to coffee to make your coffee taste....nothing at all like coffee. I'm sorry, coffee should taste like coffee. Its got its own flavor. Go over to the coffee mate.com web site. They've got crap to put in your coffee that makes it taste like blueberry cobbler or vanilla hazelnut. Blueberry cobbler coffee? What the hell is that? So you don't even have to stress out eating something so bad for you as a piece of pie with your coffee. Please. Look, maybe this makes some sort of sense to a suburban soccer mom who's trying to count Weight Watcher's points. But uhm, lady, let me splain somethin to you - if you really give a damn about your health, and not just trying to lose some weight prior to your 40th high school reunion, so Billy Ray Jock-itch can finally pick you, yes you, out of the crowd, then maybe just maybe, you shouldn't be drinking blueberry cobbler coffee mate that has as much chemicals as the Hess Oil plant in Woodbridge, New Jersey. Have you seen the side of a coffee mate bottle? My gd, the date of expiration on these things is Armageddon. They've got words in the ingredients that have more x's and q's than a Scrabble game sold at a Punjabi dollar store on sale. Jeez, coffee mate. Jeez, mate with my coffee? That's like having a dirty, rotten, skank with cheap perfume mate with my beautiful brew. Thanks, but no thanks.

     I mean who really needs the noise of coffee mate in their coffee distracting you from the goodness of the bean.  I mean its noise. Hazelnut. French Vanilla. Irish Coffee. I like my coffee like I like my women, hot, sweet, creamy, and quiet. Wow. That's gonna get me in trouble. Sorry, honey - too much coffee.

     So all this being said. Starbucks was in the paper this week. You do know that their stock is down over 50%, which I guess means that Merrill Lynch and those kind of folks now rate it as a Venti, at best. I have mixed feelings about Starbucks. I think they're a good place to sit down in the mall and watch the eighth grader with their wheelie sneakers take a full on header into the Sunglass Hut. I think that their coffee is adequate at best. Frankly, most of their beans taste like Juan Valdez was taking a siesta through the roasting process. My lord, those beans are so burnt they look like Robert Uhrlich in Turk-182. But don't get me wrong, because you can't go three blocks in Jersey without being hit over the head with that green logo, I've learned to accept Starbucks for what it is - overpriced and adequate, and I completely understand that some of their double frosted machiato's have more calories than a calzone, but it is what it is.

     That's why I was completely interested that they closed almost all of the stores for a three-hour coffee clutch this week to rally the troops in the face of a decaffeinated corporate books. Hell, their books and ledgers are starting to look like Heath Ledger. Too soon? Really? You think so?

    Anyway, these Starbucks guys ain't exactly the Masons, because according to the 'net, during this super-secret corporate-wide pow wow, they did the following: they watched videos, they role played customer service issues, they learned how to make coffee, and made all of the little pledges drink 10 shots of espresso while singing the fight song. Oh, sure I make light, but did you hear what I said - they actually pressed the ctrl-alt-delete button for their entire corporation to learn how to make coffee. What, next you're going to tell me that the kids working the fry-o-lator over at my local McD's thought that they were at working a radiology machine? Oh come on. I'm sorry, learning how to make a cup of joe should have been on day one of barista school, and if you can't hack that then its off to the rice krispy treat making class for you.

    Let me tell you something Starbucks. Let me give you some suggestions on how to get the stock price back up. First off, you've got way too many stores. You're thinning out the qualified barrista talent pool. Not everyone out there has got the gd given talent to press a button to make espresso. No, its something that uou just know. Let me compare Starbucks to another chain that ballooned too quickly - Hooters. Sure. Great concept. Unique. Marketable. Special when you went there. And then I went to a bachelor party at a Hooters in Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania. You know what the, uhm, talent looks like in Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania? They look like girls that aren't able to get the frak out of Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania. That's where you are Starbucks. Spread too thin. When you allow a Starbucks to be built inside a rest stop on the New Jersey Turnpike, you're going to end up with coffee that tastes like Turnpike coffee.

     The new ads for Starbucks now say that I can have my cup of coffee, "perfect every time." The scary thing about that is, that what this says to me is that last week, I couldn't. I mean for $4.00, my mocha-java with goats milk better be grade A, or else I'm sending it back.

     And finally, Starbucks, lets be honest. You're not a music store. You're not a movie store. Its great that your trying to pull another buck out of my pocket, but when that CD or DVD takes focus away from the actual product that you are in business to provide, coffee, then I have absolutely no use for you.

      So, in the end, close some stores, get rid of the hicks and sticks and baristas, and stop selling the tchokes. Oh, get a new logo, because for the life of me I have no idea what the deal is with that mermaid with a crown on.

      It makes me think that your coffee tastes like fish.

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"Who can take someone's trademark, spin it for me and you? Cover it with choc'late, and a miracle or two. The Candy Man, oh the Candy Man Can. The Candy Man cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good..."

Wait wait wait, before you hit that button on your ipod, before you run screaming from your computer, I apologize. I know, I've gotten countless emails from you in the past, but I just had the need, the need to sing. It comes to me every once in awhile when I get happy. In fact, I'm a singing fool half the time, and well, I just had to bust a tune out for you.

The reason why I'm so happy is this story out of New York City, which was in the paper today. In Times Square, which I consider to be the exact epicenter of the entire world is a guy named David Burck. Don't go looking for him now. It's too cold out, but when the time is right David performs, as, what he believes to be one of New York's top tourist attractions - the Naked Cowboy. That's right, the dude lets it all hang out in his underwear and a cowboy hat and sings. He kind of positions his guitar over his instrument if you know what I mean. Look, I don't go in for that kind of entertainment - when I'm in Times Square I'd rather go get a hot dog over at Nathan's or maybe just get some hot nuts from a street vendor. Oh wait that came out wrong. Some people have a great time with him. He's kind of a David Ippolito type if David lost the pants and wore a cowboy hat. I hate to drag David into this - go check out his web site at thatguitarman.com and listen to his podcast, because he's wonderful. But in thinking about it, there certainly are a lot of guys in the city without shirts and guitars. My friend Ahmed who sells sun tan lotion for 1-dollar, 1-dollar certainly must be making a killing.

But Burck has got his tighty-whitey's in a bunch because those fiends at M&M Mars recently put an electronic billboard up with a M&M wearing underwear and playing guitar, and it looks really a lot like the Naked Cowboy, and at first, then Burck was really honored, and then someone must have whispered in his ear that the M&M was potentially impinging upon his trademark and he filed a lawsuit in Federal District Court seeking $6 million dollars, which of course, is a boat load of skittles. Yeah, the ultimate case of deep pocket versus no pocket.

Now I am not a copyright lawyer, but you know, it is interesting that we keep coming back to stories of how celebrities rights are violated. Ah, poor celebrities. I don't know who is advising the Naked Cowboy, but if he procedes with a trademark claim against Mars, he might lose his shirt. Oh wait, he already did.

More importantly, I have no idea how he's going to serve the M&M's with his papers. I guess he's going to have to get some sort of teeny-weeny process server in M&M land.

I'm not sure if this actually falls under a trademark claim. If you want to get fancy, its the Lanham Act, put into place back in the Truman era. Back when men were men, and candies weren't required to defend against lawsuits. But, I don't know if Burck actually trademarked his BVD's and if he did, where would he put the little trademark symbol? More importantly, applying for and receiving a trademark is really really expensive, and I just have my doubts that the Naked Cowboy applied for one using the quarters and dollar bills from his guitar case.

So, the paper must have gotten it wrong - this is more likely a copyright claim. Celebrities in the United States enjoy the right of publicity  The right of publicity essentially means the celebrityâs right to the commercial value of their fame. It is considered âadditional to and independent of the right to privacyâ. A personâs name, image or other aspects of personality cannot be used on merchandise without his or her consent. For example, Vanna White successfully sued Samsung Electronics, when it used a Vanna White look-a-like robot in one of its advertisements, without her permission. This was so despite the fact that no-one could have possibly been confused that the robot was really Vanna, and I doubt that anyone is going to think that the M&M is actually Burck. Its not like the M&M had nuts. 

The first problem is that this guy is going to have is proving that as the Naked Cowboy that he is really some sort of celebrity. I mean seriously, everyone in this country is famous for something or another, and is celebrity just someone who has his butt seen by a lot of people? Does celebrity mean a side show act or basic cable? I mean come on, Burck is essentially a glorified street perfomer. He's a guy waiting for the bus. The guy isn't a celebrity, and in this weather, he's a lunatic.

Is what he does so unique, so special, that he even deserves copyright protection? My three year old sings in his underwear, and frankly, he does a better job of the Chipmunk's "Witch Doctor" than that Cowboy dude...but more importantly, does anyone think any differently after seeing the ad? Does anyone think that the Naked Cowboy is endorsing M&Ms? Would it matter more if it were a green M&M? If so, who really cares? 

It's not like I'm going to purchase something hard on the outside and chocolatey on the inside just because a Naked Cowboy tells me to. Ok, that came out really wrong sounding. To be honest, I probably wouldn't purchase something hard on the outside and chocolatey on the inside if presented by a Naked Cowboy - this is especially true if the Naked Cowboy wanted to tell me that it would melt in my mouth and not in my hands. Dude - get away from me. Is this really the future of marketing? What's next Jenna Jameson for Star-Kist? Think about that one, you'll laugh at it later. 

And in the end, and frankly, I've seen the end, its nothing that's too impressive, what exactly is this guy's measure of damages? A roll of bus tokens? C'mon. For $6 million bucks, this guy could give up being the Naked Cowboy altogether. Frankly, I think he's doing what he's done all along pushing skimpy briefs in all of our faces, and hoping to make a quick buck. Frankly, I hope that no attorney gets involved with this case and tries to procede pro boner because I wouldn't want this case to end up in a hung jury. Ok, again, nasty image, so lets wrap this one up.

It appears to me that the Naked Cowboy is just trying to squeeze M&Ms for a couple of bucks, and even though I realize that he has nowhere but his boots to stuff the money in, if I'm the defense attorney on this one, I'd offer a sincere, "I'm sorry", maybe tell my client not to renew the billboard at the end of its run, and well, maybe tell them to go ahead and give the guy enough money to buy a coat.

This week Wizzard media, which is made up of Libsyn, Blast Podcast, and Switchpod got itself listed on the AMEX (Symbol: WZE). As of this writing, it is trading at a very interesting $2.60 per share.

I have never been that great in picking individual stocks. I am still smarting over the MCI stock that I was given when I was thirteen years old that later went into a cat litter box. However, regarding this stock, I am very intrigued, to say the least.

First, while I remain 100% behind Podshow, and am very excited about our sucesses, it would not be credible if I didn't concede that Wizzard puts out a great product. Prior to my involvement with Podshow, I used Libsyn, which is an amazing service. Moreover, I subscribe to some great shows that are featured on Wizzard's home page, such as the Dead Pod and the PMC Top 10. In short, I have nothing bad to say about Wizzard, and they have my utmost respect.

Second, while I don't want to start the hyperbole of "this is a measuring stick for the success or failure of podcasting as a medium", I do find it fascinating as a test to see the potential profitability of a company that produces independent content in the terms of the bigger economic picture, and how independent investors, who are unfamiliar with the technical aspects of podcasts (let alone whether they even listen) view a company of this nature. While the stock price certainly doesn't coordinate with the pros and cons of the Podcasting world, a rising stock price certainly doesn't hurt anyone. Remember, a rising tide raises all boats.

In the end, this is a speculative stock, like any other. For me, as I am so invested emotionally with podcasting, it may be time to become invested financially (even more than physical stuff that I've acquired). I've always read that you are supposed to invest in stocks that correlate with your hobbies.

At the least, there's at least a chance that I'll do better than when I invested in that Chinese toy company. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

Oh, and Adam and Ron - when you decide to go public, don't tell me until the announcement, I've got enough problems.

[The lawyer in me is dying to write, for more detailed advice, you should contact your financial consultant, but we'll tell that part of me to shut up already, or I'll stab it with a pencil.]

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         Jack Nicholson recently endorsed Hillary Clinton, as did Barbara Streisand and Danny DeVito. Oprah Winfrey held a huge rally for Barack Obama in Iowa and recently got endorsements from Scarlette Johanson, and Will I Am of the Black Eye Peas. Mike Huckabee's endorsements lean more toward the pseudo athlete crowd garnering endorsements from Chuck Norris and the former 16-time Champion of the World, Ric "The Nature Boy" Flair - Wooo! Man that just sounds silly when I do it, but not to be out done, John McCain has received endorsements from Arnold Schwartzeneger, and the guy that usually endorses your daily intake of oatmeal, Wilfred Brimley.

      Oh yeah, and Curry is endorsing Ron Paul, and the one thing that I've learned is that you never discuss with your boss is your social life, your personal life, or your politics, but all I'll say about that is that dude, remember to pick out the stems and seeds, and if you're going to use the Economist as paper to roll joints, I'd recommend that you don't use the glossy pages as those will give you a serious headache about ten-minutes into the Bugs Bunny Bong Hour at the Castle. Let me just say this about Ron Paul. Dr. Paul, a gynolcologist, has many nice ideas, but I want my President kissing babies, not delivering babies. I want my President to be more like Teddy Rooselvelt - you know the only stirrups that he should be messing with carry him up San Juan hill. I want my President to be more like Kennedy and Clinton, you know seeing more ahem personally than professionally. I want my President to have his finger on the button, oh forget it, I don't even want to think where Ron Paul's fingers have been, but if elected President - they better put some Purel next to that button.

     That being said, feel free to quote me on this one, celebrity endorsements are the new black. In an era where we are are all busy, where we all don't have any inclination to watch the news, and where network news is a flick of the switch away from being the functional equivalent of Entertainment Tonight, is it any wonder that we look to those people who we trust, who we look to for both spiritual and emotional guidance to help us in our quest to choose the next President of the United States?

    Oh come on, I too, want to know who ALF is endorsing for President. When I pull the lever, I want to know who Engelberg from the Bad News Bears has to say about the war in Iraq. I need, need, need to base my decision of who should be the Supreme Commander of America's armed forces because the girls who wrote the song, "We like the Cars, the Cars that go Boom" say that is the guy that I should vote for.

     Yeah right. Let me tell you something about celebrities. In our culture, they are a dime a dozen, and the most of them you wouldn't let watch your kids. Most of these celebrities that we have today aren't qualfied to service the whack-a-mole at your local Chuck-E-Cheese, so what would make you think for one second that these drama club, marching band, audio-visual club graduates have any better ability than you or I to make an educated guess about the qualifications of the next president.

    They don't. 

     We've grown up in a culture where we are supposed to care what product makes Brad Pitt's teeth so white, and what makes Beyonce's boobs stand up so straight. From your Jimmy Dean sausages to your Orville Redenbocker Popcorn, its all about the name behind the product far more than the value of the product itself.

     Don't get me wrong, I'm a sucker for it, too. I want to "Be Like Mike" and I want to "Livestrong" with Lance. I've bought more crap because some celebrity said that it would make my hair shiner, my arm pits stink less, and my colon cleaner. Ok, that was just once...man I should edit that out, too, but Richard Gere can be some damn convincing.

     But not this time.

    This is a big election. This is perhaps the biggest election of our lifetime. In so many ways, this election may set the tone for our country for the rest of our lifetime. We have something for everyone, the liberals, the conservatives, and the bozos. Yeah, Ron Paul voters - stick that in your Jerry Brown and smoke it, and this time, you have to make up your mind on your own.

     And sure, I have my opinions of who I think would be America's Next Top Model President. Hey check that out. Is there any differences betweent this election and our other great American Election - American Idol. Sure, it comes down to the girl with the shril voice or the Southerner with the crooning sounds, and at the end of the day, isn't it awfully similar that nobody named Sanjaya has half a chance to be your American Idol and even less of a chance to be your next American President. 

    Hmm...Barack, Sanjaya. Sanjaya, Barack. Boy, the boys in marketing could have learned something about product placement with those two monikers, and at the end of the day, isn't it odd how we think more or less of someone because of their name. Now, I'll admit that Sanjaya had about the same amount of talent as Foghorn Leghorn, and hair to match, but in 2007, it was all about ethnicity and less about passion as we talked more about his name than the sound coming out of his mouth. Barack, Sanjaya. Hmm...

      But remember, these aren't products. These aren't M&M's and Coca Cola. Voting for Obama won't make you any cooler or hipper.  Voting for Hilary won't make your teeth shine brighter. Voting for McWalnuts doesn't make you more tough. Voting for Huckabee doesn't bring you any closer to gd. Voting for Ron Paul - that just means your wasting your vote. Bam! That's two....bring it on Dr. Ron.

    You know why they have a curtain on the door of the of the voting booth? Because in this country, it is a tradition, no strike that, it is a fundamental right for your vote to be conducted in private, yeah and I know that the boys over at Pacific Coast Hellway are doing some nasty, nasty things in that voting booth, and no Mr. Yusi, you can't stick a quarter in the side and a little window isn't going to open for you to see Chula the Mexican Belly Dancer. Its a voting booth, and I am not going to think any less of anyone if they have a different vote than I do. Does anyone remember that George Bush was endorsed by Governor Arnold. In twenty years, is anyone going to remember that Bright Eyes sang a song in support of John Kerry. Its your personal decision, and you need to leave it at that. Frankly, I don't care who you vote for, as long as you voted. Jesus, you aren't voting for a class president, your voting with a president so do it with class. 

     And as far as who I'm voting for....well that's easy - I'm voting for.....

But don't fret, I'll be back again soon. But I appreciate you thinking of me....

By the way, I endorse Obama, too. Great, now that the Kennedys' have done it, my endorsement holds a lot less weight.

But apparently, the gds of the internet have alerted me that I was setting up my feeds all wrong. Apparently, you can't have two feeds running off of the same page. It makes perfect sense to me.

But, apparently, like most of my mistakes, I have made some improvements. Accordingly, you can now subscribe to the Podcast only (by hitting the Podshow icon), or the Podcast plus the text of the essay (by clicking the other reader or rss reader icons). When I post the Podcast portion of the show to my Podshow site, I will be sure to mark it "Podcast Only."

I don't know if this will create more or less confusion, but it does give you more options.

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       Whaaat's the deal with Jerry Seinfeld? I know that is perhaps the worst Jerry Seinfeld impersonation possible. But, it had to be done. I mean Jerry Seinfeld is an icon. He's perhaps the most single best paid comedian on network television of all time. But, I must be honest with you - I've never been all that impressed. You must understand, dear listener, I see Seinfeld's act, and the Seinfeld show and say, "yeah, and ?"

     I know that criticizing the comedic value of Jerry Seinfeld is the equivalent of beating up on the Kareem Abdul Jabaar's skyhook - it was indeed a force for a period of time, and now is in the hall of fame. But, as a member of the tribe myself, I look at him, and say, that's really not so hard. I'm sure lots of people visulaize themselves as being a character in a movie or television show. Its hard not to go to a James Bond movie, and not drive like a maniac afterward. Its difficult to go to a Rocky movie, and not want to go to the gym afterward, and its a pretty typical reaction to go to a movie involving Lindsey Lohan and want to puke.

    So that being said, I look at a Seinfeld episode and go - uhm duh....I've already lived that experience. I mean sure, I never dated a girl that was a masseuse - but I did date a girl that I wasn't that into because I liked her apartment in the city, and it was a good place to stay after the bars. The girl - woof...but great location. I never went to the soup nazi, however, there was the time when I was in the mall in Delaware and the deli had a Jewish sandwich, and I asked them whether it was made with real jews. And George, don't get me started about George - before I was the slick podcasting lawyer that you see before you, I had more Costanza episodes than there were episodes with Costanza in them.

    Let me give you my all time greatest Jersey Todd meets George Costanza episode - I was taking this girl out to dinner for weeks, and she was a really tiny girl. Very, very skinny, which is fine. But the weird thing is that she would order a huge meal, that I was paying for, and then eat none of it. I'll admit this concerned me. I mean ok, fine, maybe she was shy, or something, but this girl was ordering things like soup, and then saying - nah, I really aren't that hungry, I'll just take it home. I mean come on, who doggie bags the soup?? So, at one point, and this had to be about the third or fourth date, I'm waiting for her to get ready, and her brother goes to me, "so where are you going out tonight?" and I told him, I thought we were going to "the Outback Steakhouse" and a movie, and the kid goes to me - "Nah - I don't like Fridays." And then I got it. She was giving her brother the left overs!

    Now maybe he was making conversation, maybe he wasn't, maybe he didn't think that a Bloomin' Onion would keep in the car, but my point is - c'mon - how hard is it to write a seinfeld episode? At the end of the day, all it really takes is a couple of neurotic Northeastern jews just being themselves, and you have a recipe for a couple billion dollar enterprise.
To me, Seinfeld the TV show is just a reflection of daily life. Hell, in my screwed up existence - it looks like a reality show. 

    So, that being said - let me reiterate - "Whaaat's the deal with Jerry Seinfeld." This guy has seen the Courtroom more often than half the lawyers that work for an insurance defense firm (note: in 2008, need to beat up on insurance defense firms more). Take for example what went down when he and his wife went to buy their townhouse in 2004.  They used a nice Jewish real estate agent, Tamara Cohen, who they then went on to shtup. 

    In 2004, Cohen began showing aprtments and buildings to one of Seinfeld's managers. Then in 2005, she showed a place to Mrs. Seinfeld. Then, on Saturday Feb. 12 or Sunday Feb. 13, the Seinfelds -- having failed to reach Cohen -- went back to the house on their own. After touring the premises with the owner, they agreed to buy the building for just under $4 million. On Feb. 13, Cohen checked her messages and learned that Galistinos had called her. She then spoke with the listing broker who told her that the Seinfelds and the building's owner had agreed to a sale

       Then it turned out the Seinfelds refused to pay her commission! So Cohen sued Seinfeld, the townhouse's owner, and the listings broker. Seinfeld said he didn't know that she was an observant jew, and that's why she didn't pick up the phone. But c'mon, the guy makes over $100k in interest like per second, and he's acting like he's got to buy a new house before his adjustable rate mortgage kicks in. I mean c'mon Jerry. Well, on January 30, 2007, Supreme Court Justice Rolando T. Acosta sided with Cohen, noting the sales contract, and wacking Seinfeld for a big chunk of change. Hey, Jerry - as we say here in Jersey, nuthing for nuthing, but I'm sure you knew that Justice Acosta, before he got on the bench held various positions with Legal Aid in Harlem. Wonder what his feeling about that whole Puerto Rican day episode where the Puerto Rican flag got burned. I'm not saying anything, but, you know what I'm saying.

    I mean this wasn't a situation where Jackie Chiles could do Jerry any good.

    You would think this guy has had enough with going to Court. But like a bad rerun, he keeps coming back. Take a gander at his latest legal trouble. Missy Chase Lapine sued Jerry and his wife Jessica this week, accusing them of ripping off her cookbook. She's the author of âThe Sneaky Chef: Simple Strategies for Hiding Healthy Foods in Kidsâ Favorite Meals,â claims that Jessica Seinfeld plagiarized her cookbook with Harper Collinsâs publication of âDeceptively Delicious: Simple Secrets to Get Your Kids Eating Good Food.â  I gotta be honest, they are ridculously similar, but is it plagarism? I don't know. Just in the same way that Journey and Bad English sound really similar, it could just be two ships passing in the night. Of course, exact ships, with the exact same passengers, having the exact same destination, but I certainly could be a good juror on that case.

    But, the complaint also brings a defamation claim against Jerry Seinfeld, who in public has called Lapine a âwacko,â a ânut job,â and âhysterical.â And on Letterman, Seinfeld allegedly said he was concerned that âmany of the three-name people do become assassins,â citing Mark David Chapman and James Earl Ray. 

    And I gotta admit, that claim seems pretty cut and dry, and well, Jerry, to quote Mr. Ricardo, you certainly have a lot of splainin to do. Now, I know I'm packing a lot of legally goodness into one episode, But defamation is someone uttering a public untruth that lessens someone's standing in the community. Miss Lapine is not a public figure. She has every right to have present evidence to a Court if she was indeed wronged, and shame on you to make a cheap (and frankly) lame joke at this woman's expense. Lawsuits are like burritos at Taco Bell. Everyone's entitled to have one. After two, your stomach starts hurting, and after five or six - people just think your crazy. Yup, there's your first quote of 2008 - Lawsuits are like Burritos. Write that down. But I don't think that calling a litigant a wacko and a nut job and a potential assasin, is fair and frankly, Jerry, I don't think its terribly funny.

    You see, being a comedian is not a defense. Trust me, I know how hard it is to come up with jokes all the time, and I know how hard it is - the pressure of having to feed your family based on nothing more than your mind. And I know, you Jerry Seinfeld, like the listeners of the Jersey Toddshow will use Go Daddy, and use Jersey1 at the time of checkout. But the point is Jerry, its time to start separating fact from fiction. These, in fact, are two different people.  Maybe its because he's confused, I mean there's Jerry, the main charachter in Seinfeld, and then there's Jerry, the main character in the life called Seinfeld. But he'd better start recognizing the distinction, because life is not a comedy, and there's no laugh track, and there's no commercials, and occasionally there's no happy endings. Life, Jerry, is a reality show. Because in real life, you can't short realitors their commission and play dumb and you can't go around making ha-ha at other people's expense and not expect ramifications.

      Oh and the girl that was letting her brother eat the left overs from our dates, I'll let you know what I said to her when I figured it all out - "No soup for you! One year!"

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     The worst part is, that while everyone is partying during their last year of college, a typical prospective law student is holed up taking more classes, and driving themselves absolutely bonkers. Because they build this test up to be the be-all-end all. Its the difference between a good law school, and having to apply to Cooley Law School in Detroit, which has a rolling admission policy. I think they gave me a start date of 2015, which is nice.  

       Let me give you a sample LSAT question. They give you the most ridiculous fact pattern.

      An amusement park roller coaster includes five cars, numbered 1 through 5 from front to back. Each car accommodates up to two riders, seated side by side. Six peopleâTom, Gwen, Laurie, Mark, Paul and Jackâare riding the coaster at the same time. Laurie is sharing a car. Mark is not sharing a car and is seated immediately behind an empty car. Tom is not sharing a car with either Gwen or Paul. Gwen is riding in either the third or fourth car.

        The first question typically involves something to the effect of: Which of the following groups of riders could occupy the second car?
.
(A) Laurie only
(B) Tom and Gwen
(C) Laurie and Mark
(D) Jack and Tom
(E) Jack, Gwen, and Pau

 
     Now frankly, questions like this used to drive me absolutely nuts. I mean I have no idea why this has anything to do with the actual practice of law. All it does is teach you to draw little diagrams, and all it really shows is that you are an absolute wiz-bang test taker. Frankly, when I was applying for law school, I would have been better evaluated by playing beer pong or zonk.

     Lets work through it together: Who could occupy the second car? And this is really how my mind works. They tell us that Laurie is sharing a car, because she's a slut, so that means letter "A" is out. "B" Tom and Gwen - well they tell me that Tom is not sharing a car with either Gwen or Paul. Because well, Tom is a little funny if you know what I mean, and Paul isn't his type. Regardless, it means that Tom and Gwen aren't having a threesome in the third car of a roller coaster, which while this sounds fun, does not meet state and federal safety regulations. "C" Laurie and Mark. Well, they tell me that Mark is not sharing a car, because Mark, well is Mark, and we know what to say about him. But that being said, answer "C" Laurie and Mark is completely out, because well, Mark, doesn't like to share. Don't read too much into that one. Ok, so that leaves us with "D" Jack and Tom. Boy, they sound preppy don't they? Well, they say that Tom is not sharing a car with Gwen or Paul. Ok, unless Jack is a cross dresser, he and Tommy can canoodle their whole way through the loops. So, I'm liking D. And E - well the Answer is never E. Its just a superstition I have. E is always the bullshit one. I've probably been wrong with that - but let me see - E wants me to put Jack, Gwen and Paul in a car, but they already told me that the cars only hold two people, so "E" was trying to "F" with my head again. So, obviously, the Answer has to be "D" - Jack and Tom, the two preppy, closeted guys, holding hands on the roller coaster.

      Ok, so, this is why I did miserable on the LSATs. Not horrible mind you. Let's just say that I didn't get into Hah-vahd with my scores. Lets just say, my law school was on such a low tier that there were actual former inmates in my criminal procedure class going, "Damn! Why didn't my attorney think of that?"  Ah, Jerome, you were such a good guy. I hear that he's doing 7 to 10 in Pennsy., for assault for something that happened after he passed the bar. Guess you shouldn't have taken that day off to watch the Basketball tournament, huh?

     I mean, I'm not going to say that my law school was bad, but, I swear to gd I'm not making this up, but one of my professors used to start every lecture with, "This case comes to us from the Supreme Court, as you know I lost there." or "This case comes to us from the District Court, and as you know, I lost there, too." Seriously, I was waiting for day for him to come in to class and say, "This case comes to us from the Customer Service desk at Home Goods, and as you know I lost there, too."

      You see, the LSAT's are made for people with strategic, logical minds. Because, as we know, all succesful lawyers and law students should have the exact same skills and experiences coming into law school. Yeah, apparently, that's not how my mind works. In fact, a question like the one above should take a normal prospective law student about a minute to figure out. I would sit there for a good ten minutes and wonder why exactly was that bitch Laurie sitting with Jack, and debating why three guys would take two girls to an amusement park, and trying to figure out which guy is the loser. My guess - Tom. But that's just a guess. Tom is such a tool.

      I know, that cost me ten-minutes. But like so much of law school testing, there is no room for creative thought. There is an old story going around about the law student who was asked in a Contracts exam to discuss the legal implications of a ticket to go to a baseball game. Because, as you know, there is a ton of goodness on the back of any ticket for a sporting event - waiving everything from your right to sue them, to your right to buy beer after the seventh inning. Well, the rumor is, that that the genius of a law student just wrote "Game Cancelled Due to Rain" in the essay book and handed it in. Now I don't know what ever happened to that dude, but the rumor is that he is now the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court - or maybe not.

      I fought law school, and man oh man, did the law win. I never really wanted to actually do the course work in the way that they wanted me to. I took those 400 Page law books, and went through them like a copy of the Encyclopedia Britanica. I mean, lets get to the good stuff....why do I have to wait six-weeks to start reading about murder and mayhem. Hell, I'll take Truman Capote over Prosser on Torts any day of the week.

     But, that's not the way the way that the powers that be wanted it, and while a lot of kids ended up on the "Dean's List" I ended up on the "Dean's Other List" - you know the one where they make you take extra classes on Saturdays with some really arrogant 3rd year student. Of course, at my school, there was always talk about these tutors being on something called community service or work release, but I never really understood the whole background of that.

      Ultimately, they broke me. They broke me down. I learned how to play their game. It was somewhere after they cashed my first check of the second semester, and to be really honest, I didn't really realize how to play the spit-it-back-to-them game until it was time for the bar exam, when I sat on my deck all day and had a beard worse than Letterman's new face rug.

      So, to my grandpa-in-law, I have some advice about taking the LSATs. First, stick to the question. While Laurie, Tom, Jack, and Paul certainly appreciate your concern for their day at the amusement park, apparently, and I didn't realize this - they aren't real people. So, you might as well just answer the question and move on to the next wacky question of which type of fish is going on a northbound train, or something like that. Second, the LSAT, like law school, is not an accurate measuring tool to determine succesful lawyers. Its just another endurance test, another pledge event that allows you to get to the big fraternity mixer that is the practice of law, where you someday learn that the beer is always warm, and being a pledge is really the most fun of actually joining the fraternity. Oh, and here's the most important piece of advice:

      The Answer is never (E), and if all fails, there's always Cooley Law School.

       But who wants to live in Detroit?

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        When Pope John Paul II died a few years back, I like you, was more than happy to enter into the speculation of who would become the new Pope. It was like Survivor-meets-the Biggest Loser meets that wacky religious channel that comes on when I'm clicking my remote somewhere between TNT and Comedy Central. I mean, as a Jewish guy, my knowledge of the international clergy is as in depth as the next Olympic Speed Skating Team, but for that brief time I was an expert in the pros and cons of the new Pope like we were discussing the style and grace of Anton Ono, because you know when the Olympics come around I am an absolute knock 'em dead expert in these kind of things. What the Olympics are what, every three years, who knows? Trust me, daddy loves the luge.

    But in regard to the Papal Erection, I mean Election - sure, sure, I had my favorites. There was the wacky Chinese cardinal, the boring looking hispanic Cardnial that looked like he should have been serving paella in Newark, the fat jolly Italian one that kind of looked like my butcher. The one with the haircut that looked like Moe from the Three Stooges. Oh wait, they all kind of had that haircut. But, the web did a great job putting up these guys bio information, and these guys were impressive - one cardinal saved a leper colony, one cardinal bathed the poor, one cardinal was Lindsey Lohan's drug and alcohol counselor. I mean these are some people with some gravitas.

     I was surprised, and shocked and also out ten dollars, when Cardinal Ratzinberger was named to be the next Pope. I had him picked as a 20-1 shot - he was my Gonzaga of the Papal Four, but hey sometimes someone gets lucky in these kind of things. My wife generally chooses her Final Four by the colors of the team uniforms, but that didn't work in this situation as all the Cardinals wore red.     But I have always been a bit skeptical of this particular Pope. I mean there's something shady about him. I mean sure, having a Pope from Germany makes the little hairs on my tallis stand at attention, and at the end of the day, this guy seemed to have as compassion of Wood