Fired up about Webcasting v. Podcasting, and at the end of the day we need to support all of the webcasters by going here. But you're here for the good stuff, the right stuff, the best stuff - you're here for some kick-ass Podsafe Music...including:
Special Thanks to Jim Testa of the Jersey Beat Podcast for the new version of the Jersey Todd Theme Song. Of course, we're also playing more Psykosoul.
I don't have a very big list of pet peeves. They're pretty simple: people who don't look you in the eye when they shake your hand, men who wear white socks with suits, women with too much perfume and blue eye shadow, podcasters who podfade. Its all very simple, really. However, rising up the list with a bullet, the one thing that gets my blood boiling faster than Pac Man Jones running out the back door of a Las Vegas strip club is going to Costco.
Now, I apologize for the remainder of this discussion, because I don't mean to single-out Costco. Sam's Club drives me equally bonkers, too. But, we belong to Costco, and well, to perfectly honest, I don't really know what the difference is between Costco and Sam's Club other than at one you can get Yoshida's dipping sauce and at the other you can Kikoman, but that's neither here nor there. Because "the Powers that Be" have decided that we should be members of Costco, they are going to bear the brunt of today's essay, but should don't feel like you're getting off the hook Sam, or your bastard child of the evil empire known as Walmart - we might as well be talking about you, too.
The concept here is fine. Allow regular people to buy products at wholesale prices. Ok, fine, I get it. Nice concept. But like the Olsen Twins, this cute little idea has morphed into a unwieldy machine that needs to be stopped before it reaches world domination. The Olsen Twins, I mean, not Costco. Costco's just a business, but boy does it get under my skin.
The parking lot. I have never been in a Costco parking lot that doesn't look like the 83rd Airborne isn't going to come rocketing through trying to avoid roadside bombs. But once you work your way to the front, you have to present the attendant with your "Membership Card". Oh sure, membership, right. Like this is the back room at Studio 54, and we're all lining up to do lines of Coke with Wahrol. Please. This is not membership. This is having to provide proof of suckership. I mean where else in the world would you pay an initiation fee to buy a giant tub of mayonnaise, but more importantly, why oh why does anyone need about a giant tub of mayonnaise. More about that later.
There has been a couple of times, I've actually gotten a little intimidated by the Costco entry queue. What if I don't have the right credentials? What if they don't let me in? I must have stood there like a statute just watching the ever vigilant Costco guard checking membership cards. Vigilant? Please, its not like any of these people are using this job experience as a resume builder for the TSA. At least I hope not. So, we get inside. Now, I don't know whether you shop at Costco. I don't know if you are a nice person, mean person, I don't know if you are listening to me on your Ipod inside of a Costco right now, but let me tell you this, if you are shopping along side of me in Costco - I hate you. I absolutely hate every person from every walk of life shopping in a Costco, and here's why: everyone there is a frigging moron. Absolutely. First, they give you the Hummer of all Shopping Carts, and make you maneuver around little tables and around crap, and this thing has absolutely no mobility. Lets put it this way, I had better lateral and horizontal moves on the Atari 2600 playing "Combat". But then, you add in the moving target of all of the absolute morons shopping at this whorehouse.
Let's put it this way, if people drove like they moved around Costco, we'd all be dead. Ma'am how much investigation into that giant box of Kotex pads do you really need to do? Sir, if you have to stand there and read the label for that monolith size box of prunes, then you have a far bigger problem than either of us. However, can you do me a favor and get the George Bush out of my way. I swear, one of these days, I'm going to swipe one of the carts and go all Mad Max on it, and put some big spikey things on the front and some metal plating, and then we'll see what happens when Bubba feels the need to shop short in front of me just to get a sample of those cheese fritters.
But while we're talking about the samples. Those damn samples. They are just another damn traffic impediment. You have to dodge those things like you were playing Kaboom (two 2600 references in one essay, JT going old school this week skippy). They just pop into the flow of traffic like a speed bump on the Parkway. Some of those people I swear, they treat those samples like they were on the buffet line at the Sizzler. Jesus, why not strap the feedbag on before coming into town, Gomer. Come on, sir, do you really need another sample of granola cereal? Is it really that thirst quenching to have a shot glass of pomegranate juice? Please gather up your free treats and just move your fat butt to the giant rolls of Bounty and slosh yourself off from all of that free fried goodness.
This brings us to the products. I love looking into other people's carts. I want to know what are the top selling items at my local Costco, and from what I can gather, there are a lot of bomb shelters in my neighborhood. Moreover, I get the distinct feeling that most of the consumers in my Costco are thinking that it must be time to bunker down pretty darn soon. That has to be the only reason for someone to buy three packs of 200-count plastic knives, or a bag of 30 plums or a party bowl full of barbeque sauce. No, don't worry about it, that 40-piece platter of sushi won't go bad in your car.
Ok, I could go off on the products at Costco all night, but I will say this, one of the Costco's that I have been assigned to recently added booze. This I find to be a great improvement. However, may I be so bold as to suggest that they should go to the next step and allow, permit, and even encourage patrons to roll everything over to the garden lounge section and bust open a couple of those bottles of Mr. Boston vodka. Yes, indeed. This would be a fantastic upgrade. However, this is not, in fact, what they permit. Trust me, I tried, and almost lost my membership card, but that's a story for another day.
Oh, and here's another thing that pisses me off about Costco. The books and the DVD's. At one time, they were a pretty good deal, but now with the net, you can find most of their crap for about half the price. But, the thing that absolutely riles me up is the amount of evangelical crap they sell at this place. As if only Christian Conservatives need ten pound bags of brownie mix. I think not. Thank you very much, but I will take my 30-pound bag of hamburgers without a side-order of religious materials, and you can take your ninety books of the Left Behind series, and run them through the incredibly awesome but thoroughly impractical shredder that you have in isle five.
Once you're done filling your cart with more crap than the average third-world child sees in 6-months, you are ultimately pushed to the check out line. Now, I know in your mind's eye, you are seeing 20 to 30 check-out lines. They're there alright. However, whenever I've gone to Costco, there's been three open with a pushback about ten to twenty people at a time. This is when its time when that 6-book Richard Bachman set will come into play. I generally calculate that the formula is that you take the amount of time that you spent shopping, multiply it by the square root of pi, and divide it by the amount of gold necklaces that the checkout girl is wearing will get you the approximate time it will take to get you through the line. Of course, if she's wearing one of those nameplate necklaces, and the name plate is facing up so she can read it, you're totally screwed.
But then we get to my favorite part of Costco - the final solution. Yup, I absolutely love the guy or gal who's job it is to give you that final marker swipe on your receipt to permit you to return to civilized society. What exactly does this job require, counting? The ability to draw a straight line? Lord almighty, was the biggest day in these folks life the day that they were given the little blue vest? I mean, I can just see it, "Ma - I know I just served as the President of the United States, but now I know you're gonna be just super-proud of me - I'm a checker at Costco!"
As the "Dad" in our house, I look at going to Costco as my grandfather serving in World War II, and my father did serving in Korea. It is just something that the man of the house just has to buck up and do, and I've just got to strap on my fatigues and put the marker under my eyes, and suck it up for the good of the family. And if I just happen to come home with three new hardcovers, a box set of the Planet of the Apes movies, and a Time-Life series of Johnny Cash music, well, then that's just the spoils of war.
While my Sunday nights now belong to the 4400, part of me is forever going to miss my paisans from North Joisey. A few weeks later, and the final episode is still giving me things to think about.
This post from Bob Harris is perhaps the best explanation of what happened in the last episode. I'd prefer to think that life just went on after the last episode. The beauty of the last episode is that we'll never know for sure....hopefully.
The misconception that is of primary interest to me is that the statutory (read "mandatory") licensing fees are for ALL music "performed" on an internet radio channel. UNLESS there is a prior arrangement with the copyright owner of the music played.
The PodSafe music license is exactly that: a pre-arranged license that applies REGARDLESS of delivery mechanism. Streams, podcasts, downloads, even some physical distribution. All are covered after you join.
Any internet radio broadcaster can use any track from the library, for FREE, which contains over 40 thousand tracks, many from mainstream artists and labels who share our vision of a new architecture for the music and broadcast industries to benefit, together. The only requirement is that you report each play back to the network.
So I put out a call to my brothers in the streaming space, don't go "dark" on June 26th. It's obvious the RIAA doesn't give a shit about your use and promotion of their property. Instead, route around them, and support the thousands of artists and labels that are truly changing the industry.
For an example of great internet radio, check out this Channel I put together from a number of PodShow's top music shows. You can stream it in Real Player, Windows Media and even take it with you on your iPod!
Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer, but willing to fight this cause."
I am a lawyer, and also willing to fight the cause.
Don't let anyone kid you, the RIAA's recitation of the law is anything but well-settled fact. Jurisprudence always lags far behind new and exciting technologies, and in my experience no reasonable jurist would ever opine that the PMN license is anything but fair to all parties, and if the RIAA doesn't like it - then that's just tough. Of course, like anything else, we may have a long way to go before we get to this place, and the fight may only be in its infancy. However, this is a fight worth having and a fight worth winning. I hate to be overdramatic, but the alternative is unimaginable.
Once Podshow is done with its "Suck Less" campaign, may I be so bold as to suggest another advertising campaign - "This is why". We can get all different types of voices, from listeners saying why they listen to podcasts, to artists saying why podcasting works for them. If they ever asked me to participate in the campaign, I'd just read the boss' post from today, and say:
"My name is Jersey Todd, and this is exactly why I podcast."
I installed the De.lic.ious playtagger today, so you can go ahead and listen to the episodes right on the page by hitting the button next to the word "HERE". No more annoying auto-loading player, and no more wonky odeo player. Of course, you can still download the mp3, or even better subscribe with all of the options in the left hand column.
Hey Podshow, how about a personal mashboard or widget for my site to share my channels? (You know they love me, I'm such a nudge)
The law is a funny thing. It exists for various reasons. One is to codify the collective morality of people, in saying hey that's messed up, or hey that behavior is something that we don't want to have. It exists to protect people from behavior that we find abhorrent. The criminal justice system exists to punish who deviate from those accepted norms. But, every once in awhile, the punishment just doesn't fit the crime.
Take for example the case of Genarlow Wilson. In 2003, he was 17-years old. He went to a New Years Eve Party just outside of Atlanta. He met a girl, who was 15-years old. They engaged in consentual oral sex. As opposed to the type that Hugh Grant engages in, which involves Visa Reward Points. But under the peachy laws of the State of Georgia, Wilson was convicted of aggravated child molestation, and under the terms of that conviction was sentenced to a mandatory jail term of 10-years. He's already been in jail for two years. Think about it, he thought that night in 2003 that he was getting lucky, which was anything from the truth.
In fact, as a result of the attention that Wilson's case has gotten, including appeals by former President Carter, the Georgia legislator changed the law regarding consentual sex with a minor from a felony to a misdemeanor. Other misdemeanors in the State of Georgia include drinking alcohol from an open container, or driving without your seatbelt. In fact, according to a site I found called jamesfuqua.com, in Georgia, it is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia. Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp. My favorite, that in Pocataligo, GA, it is a It is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane. However, because the law was put into effect after Wilson went to jail, he's still sitting in a Georgia prison.
On Monday of this past week, a Superior Court Judge threw out the conviction on 8th Amendment grounds indicating that this was "Cruel and Unusual" punishment, and indicated that Wilson should get out with time served. However, the Attorney General, a white guy, named Thubert Baker filed an appeal claiming that the Superior Court Judge had no authority and that there were serious legal issues that needed to be cleared up first. But Wilson sits in jail. In fact, he's not even been allowed to post bond pending the appeal. Wilson has an extremely committed attorney, with an unfortunate name, B.J. Bernstein, and they have already been to the Georgia Supreme Court once, and I'd bet a dollar that they're going to have to go again. I even think there may be a lot of grounds to file a writ of habeaus corpus in the Federal Court. Nothing for nothing, I spent two years defending those things from N.J. inmates, and if ever one should be considered by the Federal Court, its Wilson's.
What burns me up, is that I don't really understand the rationale of the Prosecutors and Attorney General Baker. By all accounts, Wilson was a good kid, he was college bound, and not some sort of thug. Ok, fine, he was a 17-year old kid who got head from a minor, and I agree that we have to draw the line somewhere. But to put him in jail for a mandatory minimum sentence for ten years, when the people of Georgia have already changed the law is a complete abuse of power. It begs the question, what would have happened if a white kid were in the same situation? While mandatory minimum sentences sound great during election years, it is situations like this that show that every case has to be treated on its own merit, and the punishment has to fit the crime, and certainly any Judge would have been more qualified than a legislator to sentence Wilson appropriately. Compare and contrast this case with that of Chuck Bodine. Not to confuse you with NASCAR driver Todd Bodine. Crikey, did I just make a NASCAR reference, what the hell is going on with me lately. But anyway, Chuck Bodine, was a repairman for American Appliances in Denver. In June 2005, he stepped out of a truck and fell into a heap. He previously had an artificial hip, and somehow getting out of the truck had caused it to shift. He got medical treatment, which included a new hip, but his employer contested him getting workers compensation benefits because the company's lawyer cited an 81-year old precident called the "wooden leg" doctrine. Under this theory, workers' comp. benefits aren't provided to wooden legs because workers' comp. is for personal injuries and not personal property. Bodine lost his house, he moved in with his parents, his private medical insurance hounded him for repayment, all because of a really dumb argument put forth by his company's defense attorney. As Bodine told the Court, the hip isn't exactly something I can pop in and out. After two years of limping around with this case, the Colorado Court of Appeals finally came through, and allowed Bodine to collect his benefits.
I'm in Court every day. This is all I do. I'm an absolute geek for this stuff, and the weeks that you don't get a podcast are the weeks that I am knee deep in the slop of the legal world. I see bad arguments all the time. In fact, I'm a big believer in "if it ain't your case, shut your face" and there are days that I almost get TMJ from clenching my face so tight from getting involved in someone else's mess. The lesson that I learn from these cases is that too often lawyers work in the abstract, and occasionally completely lose their grip on reality. Sure, the prosecutors in Georgia have a very nice legal argument. Sure, the defense attorney in Colorado is tickled pink to have found a use for an 81-year old precident, and sure, I'd love to get every dollar imaginable for my clients that are injured at work, and it gets really difficult to see the forest for the trees. But, at the end of the day, attorneys and Judges have to realize that even though law school desensitizes you, we still are dealing with real people, and this includes delivery men that an insurance company wants to say that has a wooden hip, and a teenager who unfortunately got wood, and when attorneys and Judge's start engaging in academic self stimulation, situations arise that give rise to a billion lawyer jokes, and a complete lack of confidence in the legal system as a whole.
I'm happy for Bodine that he got his comp. benefits. It was the right decision. But, if you're listening to my show in Georgia, I think its time that the winds of change begin to be blown. I think that the decision by the Attorney General absolutely sucks. I think two years in jail for Genarlow Wilson is far more than sufficient, and actually exceeds what type of punishment should be given for a consentual act. Because, at the end of the day, the only head that matters in Georgia rests squarely on the shoulders of its jurists and attorneys, and its about time that one of them started to use it.
I went to the cd release party of Joe Colledge last night. His band was tight and the CD sounds great.He is headed on vacation for a while but expect a cd in a few weeks.
Anyway I met his wife , sister and parents. They were all so sweet. They told me they were hiking in Maine(?) and they got a call from their son to tell them he was played on the Jersey Todd show. They shared how excited he was and they actually listened to the podcast (there go the demographics). Just thought I'd share that with you.
Sure....go for it. I'm still so thrilled I was mentioned on the liner notes. He already has a publishing deal for some tracks for movies/tv shows. There is a (bad) pic of me in the photos section of his site too www.joecolledge.com
P.S. It was his Mom that told me the story.
Also between you and me the Dad approached me and said something to the effect "It is people like you that may help make my son's dream a reality"
I see a lot of stuff on the net, and most of it is pretty lame. But in light of the end of one of my all time favorite shows, I'd thought I'd share this with you.
I am a student of words. In fact, words are my stock and trade. I couldn't imagine my life without a deep passion for words. Words can build you up, and certainly knock you down. When I was a kid, words really bothered me - I took every word out of everyone's mouth literally and personally. Eventually, my grandmother told me that I need to let words just roll off of me like water on the back of a duck, and that works for me. Once in a while, words still bother me.
Three years ago, I first learned of podcasts. The first podcast that I listened to was C.C. Chapman's Accident Hash. I then got hooked on numerous other shows, including the Daily Source Code and Pacific Coast Hellway. After seven or eight months of listening to shows, I had the "eureka"" realization that I too, could be a podcaster.
C.C., Mark, and even Adam, all answered my emails regarding how to set up a show. They didn't know me. I was only a "mere listener." However, they all spent a ton of time with my questions, and after the show was born, provided me space and opportunity to help promote my show. I was ultimately offered a contract from Podshow, and nearly immediately accepted it. While I have my issues, I have not regretted it for a single day. Let's be more honest, I always have issues about something, whether it be work, home, or even a hobby like podcasting. However, these issues have never been deal breakers. I just like to complain - I'm good at it.
As Spring turns to Summer, it must be hunting season again, as the forest is once again full of Podshow hunters. I can't really understand it. Proving once again the theory that no good deed goes unpunished, Podshow is taking a great deal of abuse over a 60-second advertisement that they are placing at the top of its programming for a promotion for people to go to a web page to do surveys about Podshow's quality. The irony is that in an effort to "suck less", Podshow has opened the door for the renewal of every complaint that everyone has ever had, about every aspect of Podshow, and that's unfortunate.
Let me join in the chorus regarding the 60-second ad. It is indeed too long. It tends to be repetitive, and I don't like it. However, Podshow has already started to roll them back. Does this satisfy the masses? Of course not.
The quixotic enigma known as Comic Strip Blogger occasionally has some insightful comments on the Daily Source Code. More often than not, he is unjustifiably inflammatory. I certainly can't get a handle on whether his demeanor is nothing more than shtick, but he certainly can be entertaining. Nonetheless, he recently said that the only way that someone succeeds at Podshow is by becoming a "Podshow Whore", and this bothers me.
I'm a whore? I've been called a lot of things. Certainly, as a lawyer, over the years and at other jobs, I've represented clients that I did not like or believe in, but I strapped on my heels and my party dress and sashayed through the process of representing the undefendable position. However, I'm a whore in my personal life, too? I think not.
The biggest misperception of Podshow is that it is somehow it is a public entity. Podcasts should somehow flow like water and electric. Maybe it's because there is never been a true definition of what the "Revolution" that Podshow is promoting really is at its core. For most podcasters and listeners, including myself, the revolution is about sticking it to the RIAA and MPAA, and creating creative content that challenges the status quo. However, this definition of what podcasting can be is always going to be conflicted with the cold, hard, economic realities of maintaining a network, acquiring advertisers, and making a successful business model. Say it ain't so, Odeo.
Like any website tied to a business, its easy to poke holes. I have problems with Google. I have problems with myspace. I even have problems with msnbc.com and cnn.com sometimes. Maybe because podcasting has allowed the playing field to be flattened, i.e. that everyone's voice is equal that frustrates people. There are ton of suggestions on how to fix Podshow, many of them are right on the money, and hopefully the signal-to-noise ratio is low, and those suggestions are filtering through. It's a three year old company. Have you ever tried to talk to a three-year old? Now imagine a three-year old pumped up on venture capital like steroids, having had drank a couple of lattes and a box of chocolate cookies. That's what it's like sometimes dealing with Podshow. If you are patient, persistent, and occasionally annoying Podshow generally not only responds but will share some of their cookies with you. I never understand when I read that people have had problems getting in contact with a Podshow representative. Maybe, I've had good luck, but generally, if you push the "send" button often enough to enough people, eventually someone responds.
The second misperception of Podshow is really a fault of some of its early advertising. It is unlikely that very many people, including myself, are ever going to be able to "quit their day job" by podcasting. I hope I'm wrong; it's a beautiful fantasy. However, this set the bar way too high, too early. Can you make a nice supplemental income from podcasting? Can you get some name recognition, and maybe some bands to send you free music? Absolutely. For me, little gestures like these have meant far more, and have been more fun, than embarking on a second career.
I've been the "Musicologist"on the Daily Source Code now for about a year. I'm not quite sure how the position even evolved into what it is now. As best as I can recall, Adam was looking for music submissions for the show, and I sent a few. It slowly morphed into a regular thing, and I'm honored that Adam thinks that I have good taste in music. With his background, he certainly has had more exposure to the music industry than I will ever have. I still have never talked to Adam, but he's been more than gracious with his time and counsel with me. I even had back-and-forth emails with him in the hours prior to the birth of my daughter. As a listener of the show, it still amazes me to have developed that kind of relationship. At the end of the day, I am still just a fan. Maybe someday when he comes to New York, I can convince him to take the PATH train into Joisey for some paella in Newark's Ironbound section.
Beat up Podshow all you like, it's the only game in town. Maybe someday, market forces will provide Podshow with real competition. Someday maybe, Podshow, will be forced to update their timetables, update the PMN, or fix some of the controls on the Podshow page, or do some of the numerous housekeeping tasks that litter the blogosphere. I agree that many of them need to be done immediately to help further the art and attract new users. However, Podshow has done more in three years to advance and mainstream podcasting than anyone else, and I suspect will continue to do so. It is too simplistic to characterize Podshow as "evil" and let that be the end of discussion. Companies like Podshow do good and bad things, and people need to stop taking things so darn personally. I have literally gotten hundreds of bands to join the Podsafe Music Network. I have never promoted the Jersey Toddshow as part of my "Musicologist" segment. I have done both these things because podcasting is bigger than my show or myself, and rather than spending righteous fury criticizing Podshow, what have you done for podcasting lately that didn't benefit you personally? Those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, or take showers.
I have some really rewarding experiences, and made some life-long friends from all over the world as a result of podcasting, and from being affiliated with Podshow. I continue to make new friends and acquaintences every day. From a dark basement, I have been able to be part of a movement that hopefully has affected a lot of lives, and that is pretty inspring. I have certainly enjoyed appearing on the Daily Source Code and numerous other Podshow shows. However, I'm a fan of podcasts. I'd pretty much appear on anyone's show if they merely asked.
It may make me promiscuous, but I'm certainly not a whore.
May it please the Court. over my ten years as an attorney, I have had to represent some low down, despicable people. I have had to represent alleged rapists, drug dealers, drug users, fraud committers, and, even worse, local politicians. But never before in my career have I been asked to represent someone with a worse reputation than the client I bring before this esteemed jury. Ladies and Gentlemen, today, I am representing none other than Beezelbub, the Adversary, the Father of all Lies, the King of Babylon, the Power of Darkness, the Son of Perdition, Louis Cypher himself. Yes, today, friends I represent Satan, and I am proud to tell you that today, my client is 100% innocent of the allegations made against him.
Don't let his pitchfork fool you, deep down, the Devil plays by the Rules. Come on the Devil believes in fair play. Think about it, if you're one of those good people that follow the rules and avoid temptation, then you have as much to worry about my client as Britney Spears has a place at a Mensa meeting. Please, you stay on your side of the car and my client stays on his side. It's a fair deal, and trust me, the Devil knows the rules, and frankly cares about your well being. But today, the Devil has been accused of a very serious crime. Eva Marie Mauldin said Satan compelled her 19-year-old husband, Joshua Royce Mauldin, to microwave their daughter May 10 because the devil disapproved of Joshua's efforts to become a preacher
"Satan saw my husband as a threat. Satan attacked him because he saw (Joshua) as a threat," Eva Mauldin told Houston television station KHOU-TV. A Galveston County grand jury indicted Joshua Mauldin last week on child injury charges after hearing evidence that he placed his daughter in a motel microwave for 10 to 20 seconds. Eva Marie Mauldin, the girl's 20-year-old mother, told the television station that her husband is "not the monster people are making him out to be." "That was not my husband; my husband is a wonderful father," she said. "Satan was working through his weaknesses."He would never do anything to hurt her. He loves her," she said. "When she cries he is the one who comforts her. When she is sick, he is the one that takes her to the doctor." Joshua Mauldin faces a charge of injury to a child causing serious bodily harm, which carries a possible prison term of five to 99 years, as well as a fine of up to $10,000. Eva Mauldin has set up a MySpace page, "Joshua Mauldin is not a Monster," in hopes of defending her husband and making pleas for people to help her.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I will be nothing but honest with you. I can not find the myspace page for "Joshua Mauldin is not a Monster" because, frankly, my client, Satan was the programmer for the search engine for "My Space". (Satan Voice: Sorry). But, my client is not on trial for this, in fact, I don't know what allegations Mr. Maudlin would put on his myspace page. I do know that a crazy bird like Josha Maudlin is indeed one crazy mo-fo, and anything that he puts up on his myspace page must be considered incredible and lacking of any real substance. Indeed, 95% of what you find on myspace lacks any real substance, but that's another story.
I can tell you this, my client had nothing to do with putting this baby in the microwave, for one simple reason. Satan deals in evil, not stupidity.
Microwave Hot Pockets. Deliciously Evil. Microwave Kettle Corn. Crunchy Evil. Microwave Rice Bowls from Uncle Ben. Salty Evil. Babies in the Microwave. Not Evil. Babies in the Microwave � Cornbread stupidity.
Ladies and Gentlemen. My client, Satan, deals with big evil things, and has no time to micromanage little alleged evil like this. When I talk of big evil, I speak of Rosie O'Donnell or Whoopi Goldberg taking over for Bob Barker on the Price is Right, I speak of unjustified wars in Iraq, I speak of the RIAA, I speak of Google (which if you didn't know, the word google is actually ancient Aramaic. Really. Read your Bible people - Bubba 3:16, "And he came from the night with the ability to waste your time with meaningless searches and tall tales, and the people avoided their work and went hungry, and the people said who is this man, and he said, my name is - Google." Look it up people.)
Satan never considered Joshua Mauldin some sort of threat just because he was thinking of becoming a preacher. Heck, there's lots of preachers. No preachers aren't a threat to Satan, in fact, some preachers are actually on the farm club. No, Satan fears things that are good and pure, and innocent, and absent any evil intention. Yeah, I'll say it - Satan fears Podcasters.
Satan doesn't put babies in microwaves. Moronic Texans put babies in microwaves. Please Joshua Mauldin is not a Monster, well, if he isn't I don't know what is. Joshua Mauldin needs to take some personal responsibility here, because at the end of the day, Satan don't have time to podcast, and certainly doesn't have the time to show up in little Joshie Maudlin's earbuds. Jeez, if Satan did a podcast he wouldn't be talking about putting babies in microwaves, actually, it would kind of sound like diggnation. Oh come on, you know those guys sold their souls right around the time the first round of venture capital came through. Hey, and just for the record, Kevin - Alex - suntan lotion and barbeque sauce - that's all I'm gonna say.
Its easy for Maudlin to blame Satan. Sure, the big guy here carries a big pitchfork. He can take it. But he's misunderstood and maligned, and he can not allow for his reputation to be besmirched any further. Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I ask you to go back to that jury box, and ask yourself this - if my client, the Devil, had anything to do with this little girl being placed in a microwave, don't you think that she would have come out looking like a bag of Orville Redenbocker that's been put on ten minutes on high? Is this really the work of the Prince of Darkness or the Court Jester of the Trailer Park? Of course its not the work of the Devil, and I think when you've had a few minutes to talk about it, I think you'll agree with me that Lucifer has nothing to do with this. Thank you for your time.
[whispering] - Think they bought it?
Satan - that was great. Best money I could have spent on you.
Damn, I've got to get out of the practice of law - when's this quit your day job thing kick in, anyway.
